Birthday Blues

I've always detested my own birthday. I hate the feelings it invokes, the questions you are always asked- " How old are you", " What will you do", " Where are you going". and I detest the annual reminder of goals which remain unfilled and promises to myself I didn't keep. I feel powerless. Like I haven't scripted the life I wanted.

But this isn't a sad story. In the last two years I've created opportunities, broken through self-destructive patterns and made tough changes. I'm really proud of myself. Proud that I took responsibility for myself. Proud that I did things even when I was scared. As a result , the last two birthdays have been easier, lighter , funner.

But this birthday was blue. I'm on the brink of new decisions and directions. I feel overwhelmed. I'm petrified of the changes required and sense huge resistance to them. But, this time I have the experience of huge victories behind me. I've stretched myself regularly.

So petrified, though I may be, I don't feel powerless anymore.